Voice Over Matter

My children have a voice.  And their voices vary.  At any given time I can get a happy, sad, angry, loud, quiet, compassionate, kind or  assertive voice from them.  And the thing I need to consistently remind myself is that regardless of what tone is carrying their ever so important voice it is my job to hear them.  And to continue to teach them that their voice matters.

Having 3 children with 3 very different ways of communication has led me to hastily impose expectations when I see an advancement in any one of them. Anabelle is 8 years old and up until recently I admit I used her developmental progress as a measure of where I expected Lennon to be by now.  That expectation has only led me to feel like a failure in his development.  And that gets us nowhere.  Lennon's journey through life is his own and how dare I measure his abilities or development against anyone else.  I will remind myself to stop it.  Over and over.  

And then Tiger came along and completely rocked my world.  At the age of 2 he spoke more to me than his older siblings combined and of course that led me to expect WAY more from him.  So I remind myself that it isn't fair to expect so much from him simply because he is developing at a pace that he's "supposed" to be.  My brain hurts.

I realize that Anabelle, Lennon and Tiger are on different paths in life and while I want so badly to set their paths for them, it simply is not up to me.  I will take cues from them and help to guide them along the way.  I will remind myself, and others, that they are little human beings and their world is still so new.  And I will watch them to see what moves them and encourage them to take part in that aspect of life.  Learning these things is so tough.  Some of the hardest lessons ever.  Children can teach you a lot, if you just listen.  And while I find myself constantly asking them to listen to me, I don't think I listen to them enough.  I may be their mother, but we are all on the same team.  Team KornicKrew.  Foreva.

I need to cut my kids some slack.  And myself, I suppose.  

That is all.  

Please don't be offended if...

Dear friends. Classmates. Acquaintances.  Please don't be offended if we don't take you up on your birthday party invites.

Over the last school year, there were several days where I would pick up Lennon from school and there was an invite to a birthday party in his cubbie.  I do realize that under ordinary circumstances a birthday invite would be something exciting and if I truly know you and you truly know and love my child then it is!  However, in most cases, (and I want to be clear - I am not taking away from the sincerity here) his entire class was invited and I have no doubt, while it was sincere, he was included because the family was kind enough to not want to leave anyone out.  I appreciate that.  I really do.  And I hope you weren't offended when we did not show up.

The 1st thing I think when Lennon gets a birthday invite is... "where is the party going to be"?  A park? Too scary.  A bounce house?  Can I bring my other children?  The house of the birthday girl or boy? Too many unknowns.  And then I fall.  Into a black hole where my mind spirals out of control with every possible scenario and how will I solve any potential problems and what if they don't have cupcakes or what if they don't have the kind of cake he likes or what if he doesn't like the food that's served or what if we bring our own food and they get offended and you see?  SPIRALING.  OUT. OF. CONTROL.

The truth of it all is I see myself bringing him to party and I prepare myself for "the worst" and I count down the hours until the party is over.  Sounds fun, doesn't it?  For those who don't know, my son loves cake frosting.  He loves fruit and bunny (and goldfish) crackers and he loves hot dogs.  The food he loves, he loves with a passion (he is my child, after all) and where there's a will, there's a way.  He won't think twice about walking right up to the birthday cake and sticking his fingers right in it.  He will also walk right up to your plate and take a piece of food right off it.  And it used to mortify me.  Yes... "used to".  I've spent the better part of his life constantly redirecting him and correcting him and trying to change him.  And I am sick and tired of hearing my own voice calling out to him because he's running away too far or because he's "at it again" with the cake or food.  And the last thing I want him to do is upset the birthday boy or girl.  So...  we avoid the situation entirely.  Because not only am I in a position where I have to constantly watch Lennon and call out to him and stop him from giving into temptation, I am also profusely apologizing to the parents.  And then we leave and I think, thank goodness that's over.  And we will most likely not get another invite again.  Which I am ok with because my brain and my throat hurt from all the thinking and loud talking.

Now, please don't get me wrong.  I understand the "rules of life" and I know that my child "shouldn't" be sticking his fingers in other peoples cake or on other peoples plates of food and I know that he "should" have better manners.  Do you see where I'm going with this?  In the grand scheme of things I know this behavior is not acceptable by most standards and that's exactly why we simply avoid the scenario entirely.  I work with him at home and I work with him with friends and the last thing I want is to work with him at a party where fun is the name of the game.  And the truth is... I am not sorry.  I'm just not.  I am done apologizing for my sons behavior because what he does is who he is and who he is, is magic to me.  His heart and soul are genuine and he loves with his whole heart. And if you're lucky enough to have this kid love you than I promise you, you are better for it.  I know we are.