Change

Have you ever said to yourself, "... and if I could, I wouldn't change a thing"?  Have you ever truly thought about what it means when you say it?  I mean, I get it.  You are happy and content in life and grateful for all the good.  I completely understand that.  I agree.  I have 3 beautiful children and I am so grateful for their health and happiness.  I too have said those very words out loud... "if I could, I wouldn't change a thing".  Until, during one of our challenging moments, I had to take a step back to try to calm myself and I found that those words attempted to so simply sail across my mouth, except this time I was so consumed by frustration and sadness that I just couldn't finish the sentence.  I couldn't.  And it was that very moment I screamed, to myself, I WOULD CHANGE A THING!  Oh gosh.  Is that horrible?  I gotta tell you...  It was a difficult moment.  Hard.  A moment in my life where all those one liners and cliches I so frequently spewed to myself to help me through the tough times kind of just went out the window.  Along with my self proclaimed sanity. And I am pretty sure I cried.

Hello.  My name is Anita Kornick. And I would change a thing.  There. I said it.  I uttered those words that we aren't supposed to?  I don't know.  I have never really been good at what we're "supposed to do".  Why should this be any different?  What would I change you ask?  Let's do this-

My children have and continue to teach me lessons in life that are unchangeable.  My outlook on life is nothing like it was before.  I would like to say I was always an empathetic person, however, having children on the spectrum has opened my eyes to whole new levels.  My level of empathy, along with my level of understanding, has definitely heightened.  I am thankful for the love within my "Village" and I am so extremely grateful for the people in our lives who love my kids.  So what would I change, you wonder?  Well... let me tell you.  It's pretty easy, actually.

Anabelle and Lennon struggle with things in life that often times come so easily to others.  Whether it's social struggles or struggles to communicate, it's an ongoing, daily struggle that I wish, with every ounce of my being, I could CHANGE.  I would instantly take away Lennon's struggle to process emotions. Anabelle's struggle to be heard and to be perceived as the free-spirited, wonder she is.  I would immediately change it so everyone in her life would know that beautiful heart of hers and truly see what a beautiful soul she is.  Lennon's struggle to transition or to change his routine because it's so scary to him.  Lennon's struggle to be understood and for others to see what a beautiful boy he is. Anabelle's struggle to want to please others while constantly seeking approval from others.  Is there a way to do away with those struggles all while STILL having all of those amazing and much needed life lessons?  I am afraid not.  And therein lies the problem.  I can't have it all.  But man, what I wouldn't give to change every struggle my children have to endure, just to co-exist in this crazy and sometimes fucked up world.  Even if that meant I absorb it all.  Give it to me.

This doesn't mean I don't want my children to have to struggle in life so that they can learn from it and grow from it.  Believe me, I want that.  I want my children to be themselves and feel comfortable with making their own choices and I very much understand that a large part of that is having to let them make mistakes and to learn from those mistakes. I get it.  They need to learn how to handle and get through tough times to get to the good so that one day they can be productive adults in our society. I am ALL for that.  But does that mean there has to be extra going against them?  Can't I just make it a little easier for them?  I know, I know. The answer is no.  But I sure as hell won't ever give up on trying.  So there.

I am sure a lot of you are probably shaking your heads at me with the very same thought that you would never change a thing in your life and I must be crazy.  I hear you.  I will say this - I would NOT change a single thing about the lessons in life I have learned from my amazingly bright and beautiful children and I believe whole heartedly that I would not be the person I am today if it weren't for my spectrum spitfires and my baby cub.  They have taught me to lighten up.  They have taught me the very core of acceptance and they have taught me that life is, in the very least, like a roller coaster that I sometimes want to slow down, but rarely ever want to get off.  A break would be nice ;)

If there was a way to to keep all of these important life lessons and to still come to such a deep understanding of what it truly means to be a beautiful and unique individual that my heart is so full of love it feels like it might explode WITHOUT having to watch my children struggle on a daily basis, then I would absolutely find a way to make that happen.  I would move mountains to make it work.  I would, in fact, change it in a heartbeat.  Because...  my babies.